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Washington Irish - Rites of Spring Weekend
May 3rd & 4th, 2008
Baltimore, Maryland
Early Saturday morning, no fewer than 33 active Irish players traveled north to the fair city of Baltimore for what promised to be a weekend to remember that none of us actually expected to be able to remember. A few traffic jams and horrible directions from the Match secretary later we arrived at the Bocek Field in time to pull on our kit and face the Division I squad from Union Rugby. Union was light in numbers and a bit surprised to find themselves in the Premiere Bracket with only 15 total players. However, they proved to be cagey veteran ruggers and gave the Irish a good fight. The Irish were not deterred and put on one of the best displays of rugby we would see all weekend. They maintained the ball well and fought hard to defeat Union 29-10.
The next match was supposed to be the easiest of the day as we squared off against the Washington Renegades (D-III). The Irish started almost a completely different side against the Renegades in an effort to get as many people playing time as possible. But Renegades Coach, John French, had something else in mind and he didn’t come to Baltimore to lie down. At the end of the first half with the Irish playing panic rugby and the Renegades dominating possession and displaying great runs from their # 6 and fullback, Irish Coach, Clay Gardner, was forced to sub the majority of his A-side pack into the match. With the likes of Timmy Donovan and Justin Brandenburg back in the fight, the Irish managed to maintain possession better than in the first half. Aided by Captain Anthony Caron’s foot, the Irish finished their second match of the day up 10-0 on the Renegades.
The third match of the day would prove to be the toughest. Facing our old Rites of Spring rivals, host team Baltimore-Chesapeake, we put our A-side back on the pitch for the final 40 minutes of the day. The first half saw fierce rugby from both teams that reverberated around Bocek Park. Possession was almost equally split between the Irish and B-C, but the Irish weren’t making fast enough advances out of the breakdown to get the numbers on the score board. Their defense held, however, and the half ended 0-0. The 2nd half was considerably more disappointing. Whatever the Irish were doing right on defense in the first 20minutes evaporated when they stepped back on the pitch. B-C won the match easily, but the two early wins by the Irish guaranteed them a Semi-final slot on Sunday and a chance to regain their glory.
With their spirits somewhat lifted by making the Semis, the Irish retired to their usual ROS stomping grounds, the Holiday Inn Express for the season closing tradition of Kangaroo Court.
After a brief caucus with the prosecuting attorneys in which Court was almost cancelled because worthless match secretary, Cameron Scott, had lost the judge’s wig, the court was called into session with the honorable Judge Merklinger presiding. As it seems is tradition at Kangaroo Court, the first punishments were handed out to those who can’t seem to follow simple instructions and arrive at the pitch on time. The offenders scandalously included team Captain Anthony Caron, Justin Brandenburg, Rich Viera, Jake Decoto, JB, Anthony Rogers, Jamal Milani, Cameron Scott, Chris Burg, and Mark Seiss who had to be punished a second time for being late to his punishment for being late. After these compulsory charges were administered the distinguished prosecutors, Brad Box Burns and Not-So-Young Pete McGrath began to work through the docket as follows:
Accused: Justin Brandenburg
Charge: Squatting – in that ridiculous chair he brings to every match
Evidence: Seriously…he brings it to every freakin’ match
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must carry the hot pink and green chair we bought him around to the bars all night
Accused: Entire Washington Irish RFC
Charge: Poor communication
Evidence: Seriously…have you seen us play?
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must announce every movement throughout the evening, specifically drinking a beer, hitting on a girl, making out with a girl, going to the bathroom.
Accused: Mark Seiss
Charge: High-Treason, Being late to his punishment for being late
Evidence: Will play with NOVA 7s again this summer. Will dessert team and return to VaTech to pursue lame PhD.
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Public canning
Accused: “Speshul” Ted Arthur
Charge: Stealing KFed’s Identity, sustaining a “Shocking” injury during game of dizzy bat
Evidence: Seriously…have you hung out with Ted?
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must dress as KFed in white NY hat and wife beater and must have his fingers taped together all night (left hand in “Shocker” format)
Accused: James “JMac” McIntyre
Charge: Assault on an innocent mattress, banister, carpet and the Elderly
Evidence: Testimony from pretty much the entire team that he pees on everything after drinking and eye witness accounts of him Head Butting Muzz after the Over 30 match
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must wear Depends diaper outside his pants to understand how the elderly feel and to protect innocent finishes from unwarranted assault
Accused: Anthony “K-Fed” Rodgers
Charge: Assault on the Elderly
Evidence: Bitch slapped Muzz after the Over 30 match as witnessed by most of the patrons of Solly’s
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must wear Depends diaper outside his pants to understand how the elderly feel
Accused: Mark “Mac Daddy” McIntyre (father to JMac)
Charge: Voyeurism
Evidence: Testimony of Sarah Lochner and Irish 7s team that he did indeed get a long look at Sarah’s bare hind-quarters during Slug 7s ‘07
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must wear mirrors strapped to his shoes
Accused: Sarah Lochner
Charge: Attempted Man Slaughter, Assault with a deadly weapon (her Arse).
Evidence: Testimony of Mac Daddy that she did indeed drop trow in front of him at Slug 7s causing all the blood to rush away from his heart and brain. In his own words he stated “When I saw her naked ass, all that blood had to go somewhere!”
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: If she is to act like a bachellorette, she must dress like one for the duration of the evening wearing a veil, shot glass ring, and carrying the Super Freak button.
Accused: Dan O’Connor
Charge: Having no Pimp-Hand, being so dull that his girlfriend was accused at Kangaroo Court before he was
Evidence: Seriously…we all prefer Sarah to Dan and we’ve seen who wears the pants in that relationship; no pimp hand has ever been noted.
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must wear the dashing Pimp Suit to remind him to use his pimp hand
Accused: Wade Deliberto
Charge: Associating with women way too hot for him. Not showing up until the very last event of the season
Evidence: Seriously…have you seen his girlfriend!
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Public Canning
Accused: President James Thompson
Charge: Putting the team in the shitter
Evidence: Testimony from the Savannah Rugby tour that he did in fact enter the team in the Premiere bracket that included the Air Force Select side and a traveling UK side that led to a weekend of straight losses and put the Irish last in the standings.
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: Must wear a toilet seat around his neck to understand the feeling of being in the shitter
With all of our charges firmly in place, we advanced on Fells Point, Baltimore for the tournament drink-up at Shuckers and The Horse You Rode In On. Timmy and Jamal started the debauchery off early by making the mistake of placing their empty beer bottles on the table of some surly girls who didn’t think anyone should be having fun on Saturday night. Noting that they took offense most of the rest of the Irish began depositing their empties at the ladies’ table as well. The manager was ultimately called in, but he proved no match for Timmy’s DC lobbyist’s skills. Timmy crafted an argument so clever that the manager would have to admit that the girls were butt-ugly in order to throw us out. If, however, the manager maintained that they were hot girls, he would also have to consent to letting us stay. Noting that there were about 35 Irish Number 2’s in his bar and only two surly chicks that were leaving anyway we escaped expulsion. Sarah Lochner was not content in us being allowed to stay and thus tried to insight a riot by telling the men that had been buying her shots that she wasn’t really a bachellorette and that it was just a joke. This went over very poorly and had her boyfriend not been dressed like a pimp in Baltimore, we may have been in a fight way too early in the night. In a vain attempt to raise money for the club, the Irish President tried to sell Boots to a band of female pirates. Unfortunately they turned out to be from Pittsburg, had already fallen victim to the “it’s okay, I’m married” attack, and turned down the offer. Of course the fact that Pres was wearing a toilet seat around his neck may have detracted from his credibility and made said pirates a bit wary.
After sufficiently horrifying the staff at Shuckers, we migrated across the street to the Horse You Rode In On to meet up with Baltimore Sean’s roommate/bartender Chuck-E-Luv. Jamal was immediately banned from the bar when he decided to go outside for a cigarette and, finding the doorway congested, opted to dive out the open window instead. Only after a great deal of smoothing over by the Club President, which involved a lot of “come on, he’s from Papua New Guinea, he doesn’t even own shoes…it’s a third world country” did the bouncer allow him to return. Dillon’s wife almost got the entire club into a brawl when she mistakenly thought that the Irish Navy was part of our party and began stealing their uniform covers. Club Treasurer, Jeremy Borell, seized his opportunity to show his true colors by donning Dan O’Connor’s pimp hat and refusing to give it back. Box managed to frighten most of the local girls by continually smelling their hair. Seiss, the only player on the team with hand sanitizer on his key chain, passed out in the men’s room in what looked suspiciously like a puddle of piss. Jamal became alarmed when Timmy couldn’t stand up anymore. He was even more shocked when he asked the club President “what do we do with him?” and received the response “nothing, he’s fine.”
Once the Horse grew tired of our patronage we tried to migrate to the all night pizza joint around the corner. However, we became distracted by the suicidal idiot that maybe weighed a buck-o-five soaking wet trying to start a fight with 6’6” 250lb Andrew McClure. McClure did the right thing and turned the other cheek, which gave K-Ted and Rich Viera the opening they were waiting for to kick the guy’s ass. In an odd twist, Marine Sean stepped in as the mediator and saved the knucklehead from an untimely death. We managed to corral everyone to the pizza place, which in hind-sight was a terrible idea. Cameron Scott began to release the contents of his stomach just outside the front door. McClure decided he didn’t like the K-fed hat and urinated on it. K-Ted, who had promised he would return the hat, clam-shelled it in a pizza box for transport back to the hotel. Some of our number went cougar hunting and retired to various doorways that weren’t half as secluded as they thought they were. Jake V2 stole a wheelchair from someone and Pimp-Daddy Jeremy flipped him over in it. Gradually we made our way in groups of 3 and 4 back to the hotel. However the fun didn’t stop. Boots was discovered by Dillon in the hall way shoving a Gas-Station salad into his mouth with his fingers. We later learned that he thought it was chicken parmesan. Dillon being considerably smarter than we give him credit for, leaned him against Jes’s door, knocked, and then ran. Inside Jes’s room a far funnier scenario was playing out. Jes had one slice of vegetarian pizza and then a chicken and pineapple pizza. Coach Clay, having difficulty standing up, stole the vegetarian piece for himself. Then in a fit of apparent rage at pineapples began crushing the other pieces with his hand before wiping his hands on the bead spread. When he finally began to eat a crushed pineapple chicken slice he would take a bite and then shake the slice to rid it of the offensive ingredients.
Amazingly we all made it back to the pitch by 11:30 the next morning for the Semi-Final. However the starting line-up had to be immediately adjusted because Chris Brandenburg turned a nasty shade of green and began vomiting on pretty much everything. Mark Seiss couldn’t muster the energy to stand and ultimately fell asleep while we played the match.
We took on PAC-B for the semi-final slot. Both teams shook off their hangovers quickly and came out hard. Towards the end of the first half, Justin Burg, showing considerably more endurance than his brother, pulled an 8-man pick off a 5 meter scrum and dove across the line for a try. Irish dominated possession after that and ran out the clock. The match ended with the Irish up 5-0 and a shot at the championship.
The Championship match was a re-run of the past two years with the Irish facing off against the host team, Baltimore-Chesapeake. Invigorated by a pre-game speech from former Irish coach Bert “Ram” Todd, the Irish came out hard in the 1st half. Drawing a penalty inside the 22, Brad “Box” Burns pulled a quick tap and darted towards the corner. He offloaded to JB who put the first points of the match on the board. B-C answered immediately and then again and again. The Irish defense continually broke down and B-C was soon running away with it. As the second half wore on, Coach Clay made some substitutions, but the B-C tries kept coming. With only a minute or two left in full time, the Irish poached the ball from B-C inside their 22. Jon “Head” Hansen came up with it and drew two defenders before dumping to James Thompson on the outside. Thompson broke through the line for a 50 yd dash down the pitch, supported by John “JB” Baker on the outside and Brad “Box” Burns streaking up the middle after extracting himself from the bottom of the ruck that had produced the Irish ball. Thompson offloaded to JB when the speedy B-C backs caught up to him, but maintained a supporting run. JB charged inside the B-C 22 before dumping back to Thompson as he was brought down. Thompson caught the pop-pass under pressure, but charged inside the 10 meter before being brought to the deck. Hearing Box’s shouts, Thompson popped the ball straight up as he was tackled. Box leapt over the pile of bodies, snatched the ball out of the air and dove across the try line to score between the posts just as time expired. In a match that was clearly lost, the entire sidelines (B-C and Irish supporters alike) cheered on the last ditch effort from the Irish who never lost heart.
The final score was a lot to a little favoring Baltimore – Chesapeake, but the Irish won three out of five games, came away with yet another 2nd place trophy (besting Rocky Gorge and PAC-B in so doing) and bolstered the teamwork and social fabric of the club in the process. Feeding on that unity and teamwork, the Irish are well poised to enter the Fall season strong and get back to MARFU playoffs.
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